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I'm trying to have a productive day to swing around the funk I had been in lately. Instead of sitting online all day, playing WoW or reading various articles, I am standing around making food. My current project today is a Cilantro Lime slow cooked pork shoulder. I'll be shredding it up and eating it for lunch this week. Poss tacos and sandwiches and rice. But it smells absolutely MADDENING right now, and it's barely started getting warm. I simply cannot wait. Nom.

I *should* be starting driving school soon, as well. If you know me, you know I dread moments like this. My agoraphobia flares up and I want to place my head in my hands and just kinda ignore the fact that I have to go. But I'm attempting to fight for my *own* sake, and not for any other reason. I could live the rest of my life without a license, I am sure. People do that. But if nothing else, I've conquered an ugly obstacle that has been staring me in the face and costing me money.

I spent Sat. over Dave's house. We got some beer and some burritos and just sat around playing Boom Blox, Halo 3, and watching Heroes Season 3 (which is nowhere near as infuriating as the second season, but nowhere near as fresh as the first). I feel like the show has really gone the direction that major comic book companies took years to go: near stagnation. But I still feel compelled to watch simply because I'm a comic book nerd at heart and that's what it really is at heart: a comic book.

I know I haven't bothered so much with this thing (at least public entries), but it serves it's purpose: giving me a place to type out whatever I am feeling at the moment. Sometimes it's just enough to bring me back from where I've been. I'm off to drool all day over the smell of my crockpot...

I really do not have a male "best friend". I really hate the idea of a "best friend" at my age. It sounds far too Playground Politics for me. But it's also a missing component of my life; someone who enjoys doing Paul things, but also has a penis. I miss going out to the bar with Craig or Dave... hanging out and playing TERRIBLE VIDEO GAMES along with the few good ones... getting pizza and being lazy. I've kinda lost both of them over a period of time, in a sense at least for Dave. I just found myself noticing the lack of having a "bud" and doing guy stuff over the past month. Perhaps I was too busy prior? Or too chaotic. Maybe I'll find someone to do things with, but I'm always HORRID at finding friends.

And let's face it, *** and his friends are a bit too chaotic and... well... we'll leave it at chaotic.

In other news, I straightened up my living room and it looks almost livable! Hoping to have the kitchen done today or tomorrow... I doubt I'll get to the bedroom in the time that I have the vacuum. Ah well. I did somewhat good :)

As of late, I've been making a drink I had at Holy Frijoles to cool off when I get home: a shot of tequila in a pint glass filled with ginger beer and a bit of lime juice. Rather nice.

I should endeavor to get ice trays...

There's more than a whisper now about how the Higher Ups are looking at options to move our operation. Apparently there is no more room for either of our Printing Machine side, or our Business Service Center side (where I dwell). So, because machines are heavy, we're the ones that get the boot. Issue being? They want to move to White Marsh. Problem? Even when I drive, I will not want to go all the way out there for what I am making now. It seems silly and whiney, but the only reason why I am still working at this place is because all I have to do in the morning is hop on a lightrail (usually) and veg out for 25-30 mins. If I suddenly have to take a 2.5 hour bus ride in the morning, I won't be happy at all. My options mostly just involve finding a new job or moving in with Dave. Great.

So I'm kinda bleh right now, overall, thanks to this.

Well... I am sitting here in the basement with the AC blasting. I just finished up the final step on my Limoncello batch. It tastes pretty damned good (not as much burn as the store brand, but actually more alcohol?), but I have a weird headache thing and my stomach is kinda eick right now.

I'll go over today's hell:

The lightrail commonly breaks down after a night of stormy weather. It can be for 4 minutes or 4 hours, doesn't matter. It WILL be down the next day. Issue with this time? No one knew about it until the last second. There was a massive communication breakdown as all the drivers scrambled to arms... not a one had any clue WHERE he or she was supposed to go! They drove to the various northern stops willy-nilly, completely skipping over mine twice. I got fed up and asked to leave and wait for a normal bus. Another shuttle pulled up after 15 minutes and said he knew what he was doing, so I hopped on. Got to work 2 hours late. So I got fucked for 2 hours, basically. Fantastic. If I had known there was an issue I might have left earlier. Randy even said I should have... that I should practice coming in early EVERY day. I wanted to flip him off. Unlike him, I am not some kinda slave to our work place... I am a paid employee who lives in a city that cannot get it's shit together in ANY aspect! I refuse to be blamed for it. I fumed for the rest of the day, needless to say. I then note that the light rail is still out. I sigh and head out. Again... the driver had NO CLUE he was supposed to head south. He was so lost, they had to get an MTA officer to lead him down 83 to the stop. After this, it was all smooth sailing and I was roughly 20 minutes late... nothing bad. But really, this city is just awful.

I think I should lay down... I got so little done today and am still exhausted and lonely and just plain feeling like shit.

I guess I should feel good that my tiny labor has finally been fruitful? And I am, in a way? But the rest of the day just kinda overshadows it all.

I can only hope the week ships up a bit.

And seriously, I need to go grocery shopping. My fridge is completely empty.

I'm too lazy to go back and read this... it's prolly mangled and confusing. But for right now, that's how I feel.

Why is a bacon-wrapped hotdog the best thing I have ever eaten?!

Do the whirlwind


Such a catchy tune and kinda creepy animation!

How can someone praise me for being levelheaded? I suppose that overall I have my head screwed on well enough, but it doesn't REALLY extend to my own personal life. I feel like any good advice I am capable of giving just doesn't work in my direction. Kinda like a one-way street.

Which reminds me, I was at two separate 4 way stop signs and it really had me thinking about how it's a good test of the type of person you are. Do you stop completely, wait for other people AND pedestrians before continuing? Do you come to a rolling stop and blast through? Do you even stop? I even took myself out of the equation and theorized that the kinda people I don't like would be the type that pulls a rolling stop. In too much of a self important hurry to bother with anyone else's life. I can think of a few people like that.

Chicken and dried rice for lunch. Bleh.

Update: Svedka vanilla is grossssss.

I picked up Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion because I did my taxes.

...it's been a slow week.

This has been a particularly bad Spring so far. I don't think I've ever had so many sex dreams in such a short time. And there's just really no output right now. Not even makeouts. What do I do? Punch things? It's very upsetting at times. I felt better during winter, believe it or not. I even felt so frustrated as to put up an away message that briefly said "Srsly why do I even have a dick?". I'm fairly sure I meant it, as well.

It's not shaping up to be the best week, either, overall. We've had a rush of backorders and Randy is back to making me do 90% of the grunt work. It tires me out so fast that I am ready for a nap when I get home.

I finally went and got my Learners again. This is so A) I can finally get my License in 6 months and B) so Wine Source can stop being Whine Source and just had over my damned well earned booze!

I think I am going to sample some of the svedka vanilla tonight to see how it is tasting. I dunno what's up this weekend but I don't think I should dip too heavily into it.

They sell 6er's of Mickeys for $5. The good thing is it's in the ghetto liquor store so I avoid it...

Um. Time to work.

Maybe the weather holds some sway over me; I went from walking on air to downright miserable in roughly 1 hour.

My brother. Just asked me. For condoms. Holyshit.

Ian's friends aren't so bad. Ian still smells :)

I had a beer or two more than I had promised but overall it's a big improvement from last year. Well. I didn't spend all day in bed, being a weepy bastard. I didn't develop a crippling self image tonight.

SO FAR SO GOOD.

I shouldn't have checked. I knew I wasn't in a particularly good mood. All I did today was go to the park and run around the worn out trail for 30 minutes or so. I spent the rest of the day in; no drinking, no running around downtown. And it was *okay*. But then I went and got a tugging to check Leah's old art page. Bad idea. Just... bleh. I have no sense in my noggin, really. It's not even THAT big of a deal. I know I shouldn't talk to her. And I won't. But damn if I couldn't breathe for a minute or so.

I need to go to bed.

My goals are going to be slimmed down and updated soon.

Why is it SO fucking hard to get a car in Mary Land? I *think* it's easier in PA and I surely know it is in VA. I feel cheated. I should move just to get a car set up. Also to get away from these terrible people.

Fuck.

I've spent the past 3 days playing WoW with my mom, then playing Halo for an hour with Dave. This Sunday is the yearly Parade; I was in charge of finding a place for lunch but once again, I have dropped the ball. I cannot gather enough Z's at night. I feel there are things to be done. But when I am awake, I sit and wonder what I should be doing.

I still want to move to Seattle. Issue being, it's not like Cockeysville. It's not next door. It's an entire opposite coast.

But when I do sit and think of what I absorbed those few days I was there... makes me smile a bit. I command myself to attend next year's PAX. If that's all I can get, that's what I'll deal with.

I have a weird... thing.. about Saint Paddy's day. Last year, it was literally the most miserable moment of my life. This year... I wanted much better. I doubt it will occur in the fashion I want, but I won't be half weepy and angry at the world. That much IS important to me.

I have what must constitute as one of the geekiest families ever. Every last one of us is big on various types of nerdage: D&D, WoW, collectible card games. And our interests overlap as well. I mean, my own mother has at least 2 level 70's on WoW. I know one or two people that have one, but that's about it. And she makes new characters all the time!

It all just amuses me to no end. And people tend to not believe me about it all.

I really do love my family.

Swinging for the fences. It's a lot harder than it looks.

Let's talk about something else that has been on my mind; Dave. Do you realize how... incredibly torn up I am at his condition? I don't like watching someone who I considered my best (but totally racist asshole, kid needs help) friend turn into a complete stoner. Not a DAY goes by where he doesn't smoke at least once. He even took a bit with him when we went to Chuck's hipster party. They smoked it up in Chuck's room while he wrote some sappy love note to some girl. Depressing. But what do you do? I can't twist his arm. He doesn't listen. And it's just not healthy. He's gone from being SUPER reliable to stoned out of his gourd every time I talk to him. He's still a damned close friend, but... we're just not the same now.

I wonder if this is how people felt about me, when I was going through my rough period? "Paul drinks too much". I did. But I also went 4.5+ years almost without a single drop due to who I was dating. I do not let booze control me, and I surely do not drink everyday. But is how he views his drug usage how I view mine? Does he not see a problem? Did I have a problem I wasn't seeing?

The ones that will hurt you most are the ones you love. And they won't be trying when they do.

I'm not giving up on his ass. But I am disheartened.

The nice weather (read: not freezing) we've been having is neato, lemme tell you. I enjoy spring walks early in the morning and I love to take a trip to my mother's house in the warm rain. However, it  has one awful drawback: the friggin' vermin are out now. I woke up to several small fly types in my shower stall and a dead roach on my bathroom floor. I sighed and swept him up, depositing his filthy ass into the trash for tomorrow. I then leaned into the stall with a bottle of a bleach mixture I keep and nailed the flies. And now I have 4 minutes till I have to leave and I want to take off work and eject every last living being in this basement minus myself.

Seriously, they ruin everything.

I quit this game before. The journal game. But I feel like I don't do enough writing out how I feel / what I am dealing with enough for it to be healthy. I feel like I am letting it all build...

And so it begins. Round 3.